Wednesday Briefs: Grump Quest (1/?)

Listen, between moving into a new dorm, summer classes ending, and um, (gestures vaguely at the world), all of this, I haven’t had time to properly plot out the next installments of Disassembly Required. So y’all are getting some goofy Game Grumps fanfiction instead. Hey, it’s not as bad as you might think!

Grump Quest (1/?). In which there is a fairly generic RPG setting, Arin has a wand, Dan has a sword, Barry is God, and some goofy good podcast boys show up even though it’s not an Adventure Zone crossover.

Prompts used: “Did you see that?” and a harpsichord. Content warning: as per any Game Grumps episode, there is a lot of cursing (mainly from Arin).

“Did you see that?” Dan waved his sword vaguely at “that”. “Wow, man!”

He turned just in time to see his partner get the shit knocked out of him. A cascade of earth swirled across the air and smacked a small cloaked figure from the sky. It landed in a heap at Dan’s feet. The heap quickly popped upright, and sorted out its crumbled cloak and pointy wizard hat before scowling at Dan. A huge slash across his face was quickly healing itself with green and blue sparks.

“What the fuck, Dan? I thought you said this dungeon was easy?” Arin waved his wand at Dan’s towering figure. The gesture would have been more threatening if it wasn’t a gold bedazzled star on top of a stick.

“I mean, the walkthrough marked it with a difficulty level of, like, 2?”

“Oh yeah, 2 out of 2?”

“C’mon, Arin, you know that’s not a functional scale to measure difficulty! That would be entirely useless out of the context of—”

A roar cut off what would have been a good ten minute diatribe . A huge dragon with wings tall enough to scrape the top of the dungeon ceiling began to rattle. The dragon’s mouth opened, and shot a brightly burning fireball directly at the adventurers.

“Dude, teleport scroll?” Dan muttered. His hands clenched the hilt of his sword with sweaty fingers.

“Already on it, D.” Arin rummaged in the sleeves of his robe.

Before the dragon could fire his next attack, Arin had wrapped them in a scroll that had been scribbled by unsteady hands and made the appropriate casting gesture. The scribbles sparkled, and the two men were gone in a flash.

A second later, light flashed in a grassy meadow several miles from the underground dungeon. A flock of ewes stood by the flat rock where Arin and Dan appeared, having gotten tangled in the scroll mid-transportation.

Several awkward minutes later, Dan sat in the grass, massaging his tired muscles. Arin ripped up the used teleport scroll and set it aflame, partly because that was the wizarding protocol with one-use scrolls and also because Arin was just pissy and wanted to set shit on fire.

“That’s the last time I trust MageFAQs,” Dan groaned. He shook his sword. The blade flopped like rubber.

Arin snorted as he stomped out the embers of his scroll. “Looks like you’re a little limp there, Dan.”

“Don’t say it.”

“Looks like you got a—”

“Don’t say baby penis!”

“Baby penis,” Arin sang. “Too late,” he added.

Dan shook his sword again, and the floppy blade retracted. “C’mon, man. You know my blade’s dependent on your magic to keep it har—I mean, active. Fuck.”

“My magic keeps your blade hard!”

“That’s just how magic works in this world, man, I didn’t write the rules!” Dan’s cheeks reddened beneath his sweat-dampened curls.

Arin just laughed as he fell ass-backwards into the grass next to Dan.

The sky boomed with an unseen, omnipresent voice. “No, I wrote the rules.” For a voice echoing from the sky, it was surprisingly subdued and chill, albeit still loud.

“Oh yeah,” said Dan. “Forgot you were up there. Hi, Barry!”

“Hi guys! Oh shit, hold on, let me turn that down.” Barry’s voice dropped to an agreeable volume, although the ewes still cowered when he talked. “Having fun?”

“No!” Arin pouted. He kicked a clump of dirt. “We couldn’t beat the dragon. It was too hard.”

“Yeah, I saw that. Y’all were terrible in there.”

Arin sputtered some curses before groaning and crossing his arms, pouting more.

“Okay, now Arin’s in a funk,” Dan said. “Hey Barry, can you play some nice music to cheer Arin up?”

“Sure thing, man. I got this harpsichord here, give me a sec.”

A light melody began to radiate from the nearby bluffs like geological speakers.

“I fuckin’ hate harpsichord!” Arin shouted.

“Sorry, Barry!” Dan shouted apologetically.

“Nah, it’s cool.” The music flipped off. “Maybe y’all should visit the next town over, talk to some fellow explorers, get some tips that aren’t from a random walkthrough?”

Both Dan and Arin agreed (sort of) that was a good idea. They each hopped on a ewe and bumpily rode through the gates of the town of Dalaran.

As they rode their impossibly sturdy ewes through the twisting busy streets of Dalaran’s commerce district, Dan and Arin discussed their game plan.

“Okay, so we definitely need to go back into the dungeon, slay the dragon, and uncover the loot he’s been sitting on for a hundred years. Gotta happen,” Dan said.

“Oh, fuck yeah, dude. That dragon’s got, like, a billion fuckin’ gold coins under his ass!”

“Or so the MageFAQs said.”

“Aww, yeah.” Arin slouched in his makeshift saddle. “Dumb mage guides. Okay, but it’s a dragon, and dragons always have shit they’re hiding from humans, and it’s always good shit, so at the very least we steal it and sell it for a lot of money.”

“Got it. Enter dungeon with better plan, kill dragon, steal shit, sell shit, a series of question marks, profit.” Danny ticked off each point on his fingers.

“Okay, sounds good, but who do we talk to so we don’t get our asses kicked again?”

“Those guys?”

Dan pointed to where the ewes had conveniently paused in their trek, right in front of a shop with a large question mark on the door, and a curious amount of horse paintings on display.

“So nothing sounds sketchy about the McElroy Question Shop?” Arin asked. “Like, all the fuckin’ horses?”

“C’mon man, you love horses. Anyway, you have a better idea?”

Arin shrugged. “Good point. But if something happens…”

“Yeah, yeah, you told me so.” They were already hitching their ewes to the nearest post. “Besides, what’s the worst that could happen?”

As they approached the shop, unknown to the two explorers, three sets of eyes which had been watching from the front window vanished into the shadowy interior.

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